Consequences and Failure

I attended a “farewell to our kids going off to college” party last weekend, and for me, it was farewell to my last kid going off to college. My friends attending the party congratulated me on the release of my book, Toward College Success: Is Your Teenager Ready, Willing, and Able?, and the conversation turned to several issues raised in the book.

One issue raised was just where do you find the line between letting your kids suffer—and learn from—consequences of poor decisions, and withdrawing your assistance so much that your teenager begins a spiral of failure from which they cannot overcome.

Toward College Success discusses both sides of the line. I do believe kids need to take the penalties that follow poor decisions, such as waiting until the last minute to do a research project that she has known about for two weeks. Don’t give in to the pleading to let her stay home and finish, or to her swearing that it will never happen again. Even though you know it will hurt her grade, it is better she pay the price for poor time management. Then follow through and make sure she does finish the project and turns it in, even though, at best, she will get half credit. In college she will get no credit—it is a rare professor that lets a student turn in a late paper or make up a missed exam.

Another example: Your 14 year old takes on the job of feeding the neighbor’s dog while they are gone on vacation. Following his past performance, he forgets and calls you from the movie theater, begging you to feed for him. Again, he needs to suffer the consequences of his irresponsibility. Either tell him no, then go through the bother of picking him up and listening to his accusations that you are not fair, or feed the dog for him and charge him for it. Before he takes on the job again, make the expectations clear: If he misses a feeding, you will not cover for him at all and he must fess up to the neighbor that he is a slacker on the job.

At the other end of the spectrum is the parent that doesn’t—for whatever reason—stay abreast of their teenager’s obligations and responsibilities. If a reluctant 8th or 9th grader is not asked about homework, not told to get it done, and allowed to continually leave schoolwork and responsibilities undone, that is the teenager that teeters on the downward spiral. Our kids need to know that we expect them to do their schoolwork on time; they need to know that we expect them to fulfill their responsibilities. There should be appropriate consequences for ignoring rules and responsibilities. No parent intervention often translates as a parent that doesn’t care. If that teenager fails enough times, he is in danger of believing he is a failure and in danger of living down to that expectation.

One message that runs throughout Toward College Success is be involved in your teenager’s life and model the behavior you want them to emulate. Make those expectations clear, have consequences ready, and stick to them (at least most of the time!).