Don't Helicopter Your Teenagers--Model Instead

I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in awhile, and as often happens, we asked what was going on with each other’s kids. This particular friend has four young adult children; they being young adults meant the conversation included how successfully they were managing college.

Her youngest is a college freshman. My friend told me that her daughter’s roommate very quickly added to the statistic that one in four college freshmen drop out, flunk out, or disappear from their college campuses each year. In this case, my friend explained that the roommate was the daughter of a strict religious family who had sent their daughter through private Christian schools and who had kept a tight rein on her activities, friends, and behavior.

Once at college, this young woman suddenly found freedom from her family’s tight grip, and went overboard with partying. My friend’s daughter said her roommate often came back to the dorm room inebriated and missed most of her classes due to late nights. After only one month, the young woman dropped out of school to most likely be re-programmed by her family.

I relate a couple of similar stories in Toward College Success: Is Your Teenager Ready, Willing, and Able? One involved a “preacher’s daughter” who was raised in a very strict parent-controlled environment. When the young woman got to college, the student relating the story said “she couldn’t handle the freedom.” She began drinking regularly and became sexually active with more than one partner. Her family discovered her risky behavior and yanked her out of the large university she attended and enrolled her in a small school.

The point in both these stories is not that children of strict religious families will all end up going crazy when they get to college, but that parents need to carefully think through the rules and restrictions they impose on their high school-age teenagers. Once our kids are “released” into the world of college or whatever they choose after high school, they need the skills to successfully maneuver all that they encounter. If certain subjects are not up for discussion, they often become intriguing to teenagers. It is far better to hold open discussions with your teenagers about any subject—no matter how uncomfortable it is for you—so that you can explain your opinion without judgment, and listen to their questions and opinions.

You can agree to disagree, but if you try to explain where your position is coming from and if your teenager sees you living it, it will have a far greater impact than you simply forbidding an activity with no discussion. And in the end—well, your fledged teenager will be making his or her own decisions. Keep the discussions going, model the behavior you hope to instill, and give your teenager graduated responsibilities with clear expectations.